HEARD ON THE BUS // “I don’t trust the moon. It’s always following me.” — bus, Madrid ✦ “No, February has 30 days on leap years. That’s why they’re called that.” — office kitchen ✦ “I’m not superstitious. I’m just careful around ladders, mirrors, cats, and Tuesdays.” — family dinner ✦ “The Wi-Fi is slow because it’s raining on the internet.” — train, somewhere ✦ SUBMIT YOURS — THE DONKEY IS LISTENING

Shittypedia

THE ALMANAC OF HUMAN FOLLY
Chapter I

Peer Reviewed™

Real published science. Real methodology sections. Real grant money.

ENTRY № 0007
Peer Reviewed™

On the Thermal Discomfort of Wet Underwear: A Study Humanity Genuinely Funded1

In 1994, two Norwegian scientists set out to answer a question that had haunted mankind since the invention of both water and underwear: is wet underwear uncomfortable?2 Eight brave volunteers sat in a cold chamber in damp undergarments while researchers took measurements. After rigorous analysis, science confirmed what every toddler already knewcitation needed — yes. Yes, it is.

The study remains a landmark achievement in the field of Things We Could Have Just Asked Anyone,3 and a moving reminder that somewhere, a grant committee approved this.

  1. Bakkevig & Nielsen, Ergonomics, 1994. Real. Look it up. We’ll wait.
  2. The fabric type mattered, apparently. Wool performed admirably. Wool always does.
  3. A field in which humanity holds every world record.
Ear twitch “Eight men sat in wet pants for science. The donkey has carried lighter burdens.” — The Donkey
DONKEY-O-METER
ENTRY № 0011
Peer Reviewed™

Cats Are Liquid: A Rheological Investigation1

In 2014, a French physicist formally examined whether cats should be classified as liquids, on the grounds that a liquid is defined as matter that adapts its shape to its container — and cats demonstrably become jars, sinks, and shoe boxes.2 The paper applied genuine rheology, complete with relaxation times and Deborah numbers,3 and concluded that cats can be considered both solid and liquid depending on the timescale.

The work received the Ig Nobel Prize in Physics in 2017, an honor reserved for research that makes you laugh, then think.4 The cats, characteristically, declined to comment and knocked the trophy off the table.

  1. Fardin, M.A., “On the Rheology of Cats,” Rheology Bulletin, 2014. Also real.
  2. Empirical evidence available on every windowsill on Earth.
  3. The brainiacs among you just smiled. The rest of you are Googling ‘Deborah number.’ Both reactions are correct.
  4. Which happens to be this entire website’s business model.
Smirk “The donkey is a solid. The donkey has always been a solid. The donkey judges the cat.” — The Donkey
DONKEY-O-METER
ENTRY № 0013
Peer Reviewed™

Why Woodpeckers Don’t Get Headaches, and Why Someone Had to Check1

A woodpecker slams its face into a tree up to 12,000 times a day at forces that would turn a human brain into consommé.2 In 2006, an ophthalmologist received the Ig Nobel Prize for investigating why this bird does not simply see stars and retire.3 The answer involves a skull built like a bicycle helmet, a brain packed tight as luggage, and a tongue that wraps around the back of its own head as a seatbelt.

Humanity, upon learning this, immediately began designing better football helmets based on a bird whose life strategy is “hit tree with face.”4 Nature remains undefeated.

  1. Schwab, I., “Cure for a headache,” British Journal of Ophthalmology. Ig Nobel Prize, Ornithology, 2006.
  2. Deceleration of roughly 1,200 g. Your car’s airbags deploy at around 60.
  3. The woodpecker had not filed a single complaint, which should have been the first clue.
  4. There is a lesson here about learning from those who commit fully to their choices.
Ear twitch “12,000 times a day into a tree, and they call ME stubborn.” — The Donkey
DONKEY-O-METER

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